Monday, July 27, 2009

The Sidewalk Wants to Know!

Right where Buckley's meets the William Tell at 2nd & Battery, there's something that was scratched into the still-wet concrete long ago:

This is old enough for me to speculate that its creator probably has five kids by now. Wouldn't that be just the most ironic?? Oh, it would. But in case this person is still ambivalent about procreation, I will help answer the question:

1. No babies means no children, which means no children's menus, which means that there will be no more easy word searches.
2. No babies means that Eastsiders will no longer bring their lovely and gigantic sport-utility strollers to the Pike Place Market and block entire sidewalks while they discuss whether to go into the olive oil place. Wait, that's not a bad thing! But those sport-utility strollers are pretty cool.
3. No babies means that we'll soon run out of people to deride as "hippies."
4. No babies means that Baby Einstein sales will plummet. The taxpayer bailout will cost billions.
5. No babies means no more "ugly baby" contests.
6. No babies means that, in order to make up for its lack of the very young, the human race will compensate by acting extremely infantile.
7. No babies means that lawyers will once again replace pedophiles as this country's most despised individuals. This hatred of lawyers will cause their ads to be pulled from all broadcast media, resulting in the collapse of daytime television.
8. No babies means that Angelina Jolie and Madonna will have no one to adopt.

OK sidewalk, those are your reasons. Some of them are merely good. Others are awesome. But the point is that we need new generations to frighten us with their incomprehensible slang, wrong worldview and "text messaging." That is why we must have babies - to make us afraid.

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