Sunday, October 7, 2012

Old Naked Germans

For as wonderful as Patara beach is, there was one very disruptive element that interfered with my otherwise splendid time: old, naked Germans.

I have nothing against oldness or nakedness or Germanity on their own, but when you combine them, look out - or actually, don't look near any of that.  Because nobody needs to witness that kind of show.  See, my stretch of beach was quite isolated.  I would start from the Zeybek 2 in the morning, walk through the olive groves, past the suburban ruins, into the dunes for what seemed like an eternity and by the time I really started to feel like I was going to die, the beach would come into sight.  There was a main part with lounge chairs and umbrellas and beer about a mile to the south.  Due to its remote location, it seemed to appeal to a certain element.  These people have this belief that nudity is way, way better than any mini-Speedo Jr. anybody could sport.  And so they all go nude.  I'm not sure whether they were ideal physical specimens in their younger years and I don't care.  Sure, seeing attractive people naked or semi-naked is quite a different matter.  Maybe I'm just shallow, but I don't want to see old, naked Germans.  Plain and simple.  I say this to all present and future old, naked Germans: Nein, danke.

For my time at the beach, there was a set cast of characters: to my left, these four Germans (three guys and a woman) would construct this enclosure complete with umbrella.  That was fine, but everyone (except the woman for some reason) was always running to the water.  Two of the guys were what I would call "elder twinks;" they were completely hairless but by no means young.  And they liked to walk the beach to let everyone know they were naked.  Many passing Turks found them strange and a bit disturbing.  So did I.  A bit closer to me were an old couple.  The man was always naked and his wife merely topless.  At least they were far enough away.  And to my right were the true offenders, two fat old men, who never, ever sat down.  They just stood there and reviewed all the people who walked by.  Seriously, they just stood there, hands on hips, and let everybody know just how naked they were.  I guess when you're German, you have to let the world know these things. 

Most of the day, these folks were invisible to me.  I was swimming or had my face covered or whatnot.  But every so often, I'd look over and, yep, the fat old guys would be standing there or walking in circles or just being weird or the elder-twinks would be weird naked things or some random Turk would plunk down, take off his suit and hit the Med.  Sure, I could have moved, but that was my spot.  I suffered on my trek through the dunes to get there.  Almost all the time I just ignored everyone and everything.  If they had been super-hot young ladies of marriageable age, I guess probably would have done the same thing - except I would have found them far less annoying. 

It's just that sometimes nudity is not workable or practical.  When you reach a certain stage of physical conditioning, forget about being naked.  Wear trunks like a normal person and live with the tan lines.  Besides, you won't have to worry about burning your ass.  And you won't gross anybody out.

And please be glad that there are no pictures to accompany this post. 



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